i finally figured it out. finally.

i'm sick of the people who won't fucking make up their minds...either you like me or you don't. stop going back and forth...you're giving me whiplash.

today was...stressful.

I had marching band, usually the thing that makes me the happiest, right? I guess things changed today? For the first time this season, I had a day at band that was reallystressful. I had a day at band that I felt like I was never gonna get through. I had one of those days. :/
I felt really bad because the expectation is that you come to rehearsals with a good attitude, no matter what kind of day you've been having or are having. Yet I couldn't shake off that feeling. The feeling that I was doing everything wrong and disappointing everybody. Apparently it was showing cause someone kept looking at me and then finally just asked, "are you okay? is everything going alright?" ...to which I replied, "yes." Lie. But that's the thing. What am I supposed to say? I'm sad for no apparent reason? I'm stressed because of this person in the frontline section? I can't tell you those things. first of all, the whole "major depression" thing is kinda personal and I don't really wanna go around telling everyone that stuff. Second, if I told you why I was stressed, that'd be a little awkward. It'd kinda seem like gossiping. But that person, I tell ya, is making every day harder and harder.
I don't know how much more of it I can take. :/ In my opinion, it's like someone trying to quit smoking while standing in a room full of people smoking. Makes it hard, huh? How about trying to stop _ _ _ _ing when each and everyday you are forced to look straight on at someone whose arms are literally COVERED. Not because they really have a problem, but more because they do it so people care more about them. They do it for fun. And that makes my recovery longer, harder, and again, WAY more stressful. I don't know if I can do it at this rate.
:/
I honestly came home ready to breakdown and cry. I'm just so sick of living with my stupid issues. And no, that does not mean I want to die. I just wanna be normal :/

"I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on..."

"I think it's every time I walk into a room
a silence so sudden that I seem to hear it
(Smiles turn to frowns)
Contact saying that you are the rain on their parade."



i love my puppy. she can always make me happy(: isn't she cuuute? :D

asdljadslkfj. I'm in the mood to write a poem. definitely not feelin' so cheery at the moment.
Sorry to everyone reading this...it's probably the last thing you'd want to read considering I'm not the happiest girl in the world.
I just had to get some stuff out. Like, badly. And so I did.

dark

It's so hard to get through each day
knowing that at any moment,
things could spiral downward again.
I could hurt myself.
I could want to die.
Something could trigger either of those.
Do you know what it's like to feel afraid?
Afraid of yourself and the things you could do?
Not knowing whether or not you'll make it
through the night?
Those nights are hard.
They're long.
And they're dark.
In the dark,
it's hard to feel better.
Especially when you've already got
the negative thoughts crossing your mind.
In the dark,
it's hard not to cry.
Especially with all those fears
and the feelings of self-doubt.
In the dark,
it's hard to go on.
It's consuming and it's unwelcoming.
In the world of depression,
the dark seems to last the longest.
The sadness seems endless.
You feel trapped, constantly.
You have your good days,
and then soon the sadness comes back.
It's there. Always there.
Impossible to run away from.
And I'm sorry that I've let it affect me.
Having depression is not an excuse.
It's doesn't make it okay
to rain on other people's parades,
which I know I'm doing, and
I'm sorry.
I wish I could get out of the dark
and go back to when I felt happy all the time.
I want to feel like a normal kid.
I want the scars on my arms to disappear.
I don't want to have to rely
on antidepressants to get me going.
I just want to be normal.
In the world of a normal person,
the dark is temporary;
just one part of their lives.
The rest is full of light,
full of life,
full of happiness.
I know not today,
but someday,
I will hopefully live in that world
and get away from the dark.

frustrated.

I kinda just want things to go back to how they were before. You know, where everyone in my family was happy, no one had trust issues, I didn't need to see a fricken therapist, that kind of stuff. But I know I can't change it. I've just gotta deal with what's happened.
asdkljfasljf.
I miss my sister :(
And I miss band....but luckily we have that tomorrow(:
ad;lkjfsadfkj still rather stressed about tuesday.
This is what I was told I have:
1. Mood disorder
2. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
3. Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood
4. Panic Disorder
5. Anxiety Disorder
6. Major Depression


Wow. I've got a lot of issues :/
but I'm learning to work through those issues in a healthy way.
No more S.I.
That stuff is in the past. I'm done hurting myself...punishing myself for things I may have no control over. That is stupid and I'm sick of living like that. I don't want to be a part of that lifestyle anymore.
I've got friends who I love and who love me to help me through.

I love you Cat, Hannah, Molly, and Nora. You guys are my closest, best friends. I love you guys. :)

<3 <3 <3
other than that, today I'm going to the ortho at 9:15 because I'm going to get that invisalign shitttt to straighten my gross looking teeth out. Supposedly the appointment will only take a half an hour. I sure hope so.
After that I believe I'm hanging out with Andrew.

I love you guys. Have a fabulousss day. :D
<3
xoxoxox
katie. (:

i'm not a perfect person...there's many things i wish i didn't do...

I'm feeling good today. Kind of going through band camp withdrawl. I miss it dearly. I did practice Echano and Land of Make Believe which kind of helped, but I still miss it a LOT. :( Oh well. Rehearsals every Wednesday and Saturday and lessons on Thursdays. So at least I have *something* to do. And that free time leaves me time to read my required book for school, which I've barely gotten into. I think I'm on page 40? out of like 288. fail. Oh well. I'll get through it. Luckily it's not as boring as the Hobbit. That book made me wanna shoot myself in the faceeee. haha.

The picture at the right is one I took this morning around 5 AM. I woke up and couldn't sleep so I decided I'd let my dog out to go pee. When I got to the door, I realized it looked pretty cool out there and decided to take a picture(:
It's not that great, but whatever. :)

As for tonight, I have no plans. Just chilling I guess. Tomorrow at noon I start outpatient therapy. Supposedly going to be intense? I guess I have some major issues to be worked out. :/


"and all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears..."


It's okay. I'll stay strong. I gotta get through this thing. I'm going to beat my depression before it beats me. (:

Just one more thing I wanna share:
I love my friends. If they weren't here to help me through this stuff, I don't know what I'd do. They mean the world to me.

xoxoxo
Katie

I'm out!

I'm finally out of Generose! I got to eat real food and sleep in my own bed and wear clothes with strings and wear normal shoes and play with my dog and a;dkjfasdlkfjas!! I never ever want to go back there. It fucking sucks dude. fo sho. There's only one thing I miss about Generose...my friends. It's so cool how fast you make friends there because of how easy it is to relate to each other. In the real world, it seems harder to find people that share the same problems as you. But there I made incredible friends who I wish I could see every day like I did there :( I don't miss the fact that they checked on you every fifteen minutes or the food or the uncomfortable bed or the yucky smelling bathroom. I don't miss any of that. :p I missed being homeeee(: I missed being able to text people and being able to listen to music and watch movies. adkfjasdfj.
I'm so glad to be home. :)

i fricken hate generose.

STUUUUUUUUUPID.

hey at least i'm not as bad as the people that have been here six times in one year. yessssssssssss. i win.


al;skfas;ldgjfa;slgjfals;kf
i get out (possibly) wednesday. :D