dark

It's so hard to get through each day
knowing that at any moment,
things could spiral downward again.
I could hurt myself.
I could want to die.
Something could trigger either of those.
Do you know what it's like to feel afraid?
Afraid of yourself and the things you could do?
Not knowing whether or not you'll make it
through the night?
Those nights are hard.
They're long.
And they're dark.
In the dark,
it's hard to feel better.
Especially when you've already got
the negative thoughts crossing your mind.
In the dark,
it's hard not to cry.
Especially with all those fears
and the feelings of self-doubt.
In the dark,
it's hard to go on.
It's consuming and it's unwelcoming.
In the world of depression,
the dark seems to last the longest.
The sadness seems endless.
You feel trapped, constantly.
You have your good days,
and then soon the sadness comes back.
It's there. Always there.
Impossible to run away from.
And I'm sorry that I've let it affect me.
Having depression is not an excuse.
It's doesn't make it okay
to rain on other people's parades,
which I know I'm doing, and
I'm sorry.
I wish I could get out of the dark
and go back to when I felt happy all the time.
I want to feel like a normal kid.
I want the scars on my arms to disappear.
I don't want to have to rely
on antidepressants to get me going.
I just want to be normal.
In the world of a normal person,
the dark is temporary;
just one part of their lives.
The rest is full of light,
full of life,
full of happiness.
I know not today,
but someday,
I will hopefully live in that world
and get away from the dark.