today was...stressful.

I had marching band, usually the thing that makes me the happiest, right? I guess things changed today? For the first time this season, I had a day at band that was reallystressful. I had a day at band that I felt like I was never gonna get through. I had one of those days. :/
I felt really bad because the expectation is that you come to rehearsals with a good attitude, no matter what kind of day you've been having or are having. Yet I couldn't shake off that feeling. The feeling that I was doing everything wrong and disappointing everybody. Apparently it was showing cause someone kept looking at me and then finally just asked, "are you okay? is everything going alright?" ...to which I replied, "yes." Lie. But that's the thing. What am I supposed to say? I'm sad for no apparent reason? I'm stressed because of this person in the frontline section? I can't tell you those things. first of all, the whole "major depression" thing is kinda personal and I don't really wanna go around telling everyone that stuff. Second, if I told you why I was stressed, that'd be a little awkward. It'd kinda seem like gossiping. But that person, I tell ya, is making every day harder and harder.
I don't know how much more of it I can take. :/ In my opinion, it's like someone trying to quit smoking while standing in a room full of people smoking. Makes it hard, huh? How about trying to stop _ _ _ _ing when each and everyday you are forced to look straight on at someone whose arms are literally COVERED. Not because they really have a problem, but more because they do it so people care more about them. They do it for fun. And that makes my recovery longer, harder, and again, WAY more stressful. I don't know if I can do it at this rate.
:/
I honestly came home ready to breakdown and cry. I'm just so sick of living with my stupid issues. And no, that does not mean I want to die. I just wanna be normal :/

"I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on..."

"I think it's every time I walk into a room
a silence so sudden that I seem to hear it
(Smiles turn to frowns)
Contact saying that you are the rain on their parade."



i love my puppy. she can always make me happy(: isn't she cuuute? :D

asdljadslkfj. I'm in the mood to write a poem. definitely not feelin' so cheery at the moment.
Sorry to everyone reading this...it's probably the last thing you'd want to read considering I'm not the happiest girl in the world.
I just had to get some stuff out. Like, badly. And so I did.